Adjusting to Suddenly Single

I'M ALL ALONE IN MY BED!

I remember the growing pains along the way when adjusting to my “suddenly single status.” It can be as significant as a empty bed or as minute as a missing toothbrush. I had to start turning some of the negatives into positives to get me through the transition. Here are some to think about, hope it helps:

Loss-Having a warm body sleeping next to you.

Gain-Absence of snoring and the ability to sleep diagonally across the bed if you wish. You can now set up your own environment for the perfect night’s sleep. If you are desperate for something to hold on to, buy a body pillow. It’s softer and more flexible than the real thing.

Loss-The empty side of the sink in the bathroom, closets, drawers, nightstands and so on.

Gain-Are you kidding me? It’s time to spread out and go shopping for some nice new decorative tchotchkes if you are a woman. If you are a guy you can clean house and spread your own things around with out anyone complaining or trying to re-arrange.

Loss-Not having someone to share meals with.

Gain-The good news is that you don’t always have to prepare dinner. If you want to eat cereal and fruit for dinner, nobody is complaining. Watching TV while you eat dinner can be very relaxing and you get sole possession of the remote!

Loss-Having companionship and someone to go out with on Saturday nights, special occasions and vacations.

Gain-You have a chance to expand your horizons by stepping out of your box. You will be forced to meet new people, which can lead to new experiences and new adventures. This also frees you up to hang out more with your friends and catch up.

Loss- The dream

Gain- If you take the time and allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of losing the dream, you can move on to create a better one. Many people have come out of divorce saying that it gave them an opportunity to look at themselves and their lives honestly and make some positive changes that have helped to enrich their lives and increase their happiness.

*Remember, there will be moments of vulnerability that will intensify feelings of loss, such as wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and so on. Be prepared by arranging something fun with a friend or family member on those particular dates. While you will feel the sting, especially during the first year, time moves on. You might always have the memory, but it will become less painful.*

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Negotiating to Reach Settlement Out of Court
There Are Benefits to Negotiating Your Own Divorce but Beware!

At any time, your divorce can be settled without going to court. It can happen as soon as the divorce papers are served or at the last minute on the court house steps.

Here are a few options to consider:

MEDIATION: As part of the legal process, you and your spouse will be required to sit down with a trained, objective third party call a mediator. You may do this with or without an attorney, but legal representation is advised if possible. A mediator will listen to your issues and try to help you make a settlement and avoid a trial. If you can spend the money, find a skilled mediator that has been involved in the family court system in your county for years. The best options are retired judges or divorce attorneys who are now working as judges, a court appointed mediator may be a waste of time if they are not experienced.

FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER: Sometimes someone you know can step in and be the voice of reason and help the two of you reach a compromise you can both live with but be careful. You want to go into a talk like this armed with knowledge about the laws in your state and what will likely happen if you went to court. Family members may mean well but can compromise your future just to get things settled.

KITCHEN TABLE TALK: If the two of you are on civil terms and have no history of emotional or physical abuse, you may be able to come to terms on a settlement agreement on your own. You want to go into your negotiations fully armed with knowledge gained from competent legal advice and the ability to stand up for yourself. The last thing you want to do is negotiatie against yourself. If you feel like you can't effectively stand up for yourself, let an attorney stand up for you and be your voice.

****REMEMBER**** As you negotiate, you don't have to immediately agree on terms and conditions. This is true especially if you are working with family members or your ex at the kitchen table talk. If terms are presented to you, don't agree right away, tell your spouse " I will get back to you on that." This will give you plenty of time to think things over and get legal advice to see if the terms are fair. Don't rush the process just to get done, many people have regrets after doing this so take your time and don't agree to anything right off the bat.
Want a Divorce? Consider the Following!
Should I Stay or Should I Go: Consider the Following!

When you’re looking at the choice to divorce, forget all about the idea of the romantic fairy tale. It’s time to take a good look at marriage and understand what it really takes to make this type of partnership work. Depending on how realistic and honest you are when evaluating your situation, when it comes to a divorce, you may find that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

For a good dose of reality, sit down and write out a pro and con list of staying married versus the realities of divorce and being single. Consider the following: children, your career status and ability to make money, finances, lifestyle changes, cost of divorce, being single again ant the threat of sexually transmitted diseases once you’re back on the dating circuit. (You may be thinking, “I never want to date again,” but trust me, you will.)

Rational Decision Making Check List:

Have you gone to marriage counseling?
Have you and your spouse taken the time to talk and isolate the real problems of the marriage?
Do you really listen to each other or just nag, complain and tune out? How well do you compromise and try to find time for enjoying quality time together?
How productive or destructive are your methods of fighting?
Do you kiss and make up without holding grudges?
Are you teammates working toward the same goals?
Are you both willing to work on your issues together?

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND ACT ACCORDINGLY, IF YOU FIND DIVORCE IS YOUR ONLY OPTION YOU WILL DECREASE YOUR DOUBT FACTOR AND MOVE ON MORE POWERFULLY!

Amy Botwinick
Womenmovingon.com