I often have parents come to asking questions like “How can I get my child to stop saying they can’t do it without even trying”, or “My child has such a low opinion of themselves” or “How can I help my child be more outgoing”, and even “How can I get my child to stop acting out”.

All these questions are really asking is “Why is my child showing a lack of confidence in themselves”.

I believe that self esteem is the value one puts on themselves and confidence is a self belief that we can do it.  So one is how you feel about you and the other is that you have practised and know you can do it.  Therefore confidence is gained by doing; self-esteem is gained by knowing you are worth it.

So as you can see, one cannot go without the other.  To do and develop confidence would be of little reward if the meaning of doing it was not to honour you in some way.  To put value on yourself and know you are worth it, and then never try, practise and master a skill would be leaving a feeling of dissatisfaction, frustration and detachment.  

Children come into this world full of worth and asking for what they want.  As parents it is our role to keep this sense of self worth healthy and of importance and then allow the child to belief that anything is possible with determination, practise and support – because they are worth it.

Modelling is the first and foremost way to teach children.  They watch their parents and listen to their parents.  They watch and listen for verbal and non verbal reactions to everything.  They feel when situations are happy, sad, threatening, stressful and joyous.  The child picks up on all parents’ actions and reactions, even non-actions, to all situations and learn that ‘if that is the way for my parents that is the way for me’.   So begin now, step back and have a look and listen to how you show your confidence, how you show your self-worth, what example are you showing your children.  Is it supporting all you want for them and from them?  Remember, this is not for your or anyone else to judge your behaviour, it is for you to become the best version of you possible; which is what most parents would like for their children to experience in their lives. 

Secondly is supporting an affirmative belief system for your child.  This entails telling them often you love them, how important they are, just the way they are.  Reassure your child that they matter and that their presence in your world and the world of others makes a difference.  Give up put downs, and take up praise.  Look for moments each day to be grateful and congratulate your child for big and little milestones reached or achievements.  Make sure that this is paid forward to others.  That your child hears you, and is also encouraged to, praise others or speak of others in a positive and supportive way.  It really does resonate with the old saying “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing”. 

Thirdly is putting it all into practise with an ‘I Can Do It’ attitude.  I Cant’s just need proof that this is not true.  How to get proof?  Just do it!  Sounds easy?  It is, with guidance, encouragement, a bit of patience and support.  Then do it all over again.  Let your child do as much as age appropriately possible.  Packing up toys, helping in the kitchen, packing bags, making beds, getting dressed, creating, making, playing, building blocks, dressing dolls, writing, cleaning teeth, brushing hair, tying shoes.......  Of course there are many things they can do.  It may be quicker for you to do it, however in the long run the smiles and hugs are so worth it.  Praise each time they get it right, redirect and start again with enthusiasm each time they make a mistake.  Mistakes don’t call for punishment; they are the opportunities for improvement and building a determined attitude; the attitude of Winners.

On a final note:  It is not everything we can do, it is what we do well and brings joy and laughter to our hearts that insights greatness.  Listen to your child with your ears, eyes and hearts, just as they do us.  Find what brings light to their eyes and excitement to their voices, then..... practise, practise and praise. 

Kirsty O'Callaghan is the owner and Principal Coach at Unity-Qld. Kirsty specialises in assisting and guiding working parents to create a stronger connection with their children and satisfaction in their parenting role. The techniques and strategies Kirsty uses focus on a holistic and individual basis; knowing we are all capable of greatness, with the right knowledge, tools and support.