The changing dynamics of relationships between teens and their parents are treacherous enough. Add in shared custody arrangements due to a divorce and things can get really messy. Once they hit their teens, you may find that custody arrangements you originally made in your divorce are just no longer working.

As teens age, changes in relationships with their parents are to be expected. These changes can be more complicated when there has been a divorce with shared custody. Shared custody arrangements are very common these days. Sometimes it’s four days on, four day off. Sometimes it’s one week on, on week off. Let’s face it, no matter what age you are, packing up and moving every other week is eventually going to get old. Kids are very resilient and most manage this terrain pretty well for quite awhile. But once they reach the teen years there is an entire new set of dynamics at play.

In a lot of cases, once teens hit high school they are more inclined to spend time with their friends than with their parents. This happens even in households where parents are still married to one another. Between going to school, homework, friends, sports, extra-curricular activities and in some cases even a part-time job, teens are under a ton of pressure and completely over-scheduled in many cases. It can be a real challenge to find an hour to spend together even when you live under the same roof, much less if you are only with them part of the time.

I don’t like having to say this but, the time will likely come when your teen no longer wants to switch houses. Now is the time to take a deep breath and remember not to take it personally. I assure you that in nearly all cases it likely has nothing to do with you. . Laws and guidelines vary by states, but many courts will listen to the preference of a 12 year old and allow a 14 or 15 year old to actually make the final choice.

As a parent, when the time comes and they express a desire to stay at one home full-time, you have an amazing opportunity to show your teen that their wants and needs are important to you. Start by asking them why they want this. Then just listen.

Next, express that you are not trying to make their life harder and that spending time with them is still a priority for you and a right which you aren’t just going to abandon. This may be the time to bring the other parent in to the conversation. Set clear expectations based on mutual family goals. Establishing a trial period is also a good idea. Make it clear to them that these new arrangements will need to work for everyone or adjustments will be made. Together, you can design new arrangements that honor every one involved.

Ronda Wada empowers teens and parents to have authentic, emotionally healthy relationships with one another. She is a coach, facilitator, and premier show host on www.thewinonline.com. Her proudest accomplishment is her own two teenagers, Neil & Alyssa. She can be reached at Ronda@RondaWada.com.