Happy Families Have Rules and Consequences
By Paula Fellingham

In life there are rules...at home, at school, and in the community. It’s important to have rules in a family for order and peace to exist. And when all family members participate in making the rules, children take the responsibility of helping to set their own limits. Families should gather together and decide on family rules, then the rules need to be obeyed by everyone.

Families members soon learn that when rules are obeyed, good consequences usually follow and when rules are disobeyed, unpleasant consequences follow. (Parents, explain to your children clearly that a consequence is what happens as a result of a choice.)

After creating family rules, everyone should decide on the consequences for disobedience. To best change behavior, whenever possible the consequence should relate to the rule that was disobeyed.

Example: Child disobeys and returns home late after dinner is over. Possible consequences are that he fixes his own dinner, or waits until morning to eat.
Example: Child forgets to take his homework to school. A possible consequence is that he receives a lower grade, then he does extra-credit work to raise his grade.

As parents enforce rules and consequences it is best to be kind and firm at the same time. Gentle words and loving actions show kindness. Consistent follow-through with appropriate consequences shows firmness. An example of firmness: “I’m willing to have Jerry stay overnight only if both of you agree to go to bed by 10 o’clock.” There needs to be appropriate follow-through if the children disobey. (Parents take Jerry home or he isn’t allowed to spend the night again.)

It is important to understand that obedience to rules prepares family members for life outside of the home, and will bring a greater measure of peace and happiness inside the home.

A well-known story that illustrates these principles tells about the Canadian North lands that have only two seasons: winter and July. As the back roads begin to thaw, they become muddy and vehicles traveling through the back country leave deep ruts. The ground freezes hard during the winter months, and the highway ruts become a part of the traveling challenges. For vehicles entering this undeveloped area during the winter, there is a sign which reads, “Driver, please choose carefully which rut you drive in because you’ll be in it for the next 20 miles.”

We need to choose carefully the path our lives take because once we choose, our choices often control us. It’s difficult to get out of our “ruts.” There are consequences in life for the choices we make.

Parents, ask your children these important questions: “What are some rules at school? In our community? What happens when those rules are broken? Are people usually happier when they obey the rules? Why?”

With everyone helping, create your family rules then decide on consequences for disobedience to the rules.

• Have one person write down all ideas suggested.
• Everyone should have a chance to share their ideas about what would be good rules for your family.
• Remember to keep your rules few and simple.

Example: One family member may say, “I think we should have a rule of no hitting in our family.” Write that down. Get everyone’s ideas for rules. Then talk about which ideas should become your family rules.

Make a list of your family rules and display them somewhere in your home.

Next, decide on the consequences for disobeying the rules.
Example: “A consequence for hitting would be to apologize, then go away from the family for a few minutes to think about being kind next time.”

These are the two Fellingham Family rules:

1. Be Kind
Includes using a kind tone of voice, helping one another, eliminating criticism and unacceptable words, and treating others as you’d like to be treated.
2. Obey
Includes obedience to all of the accepted behaviors for your family.

Examples:
1. Say “please” and “thank you.”
2. Talk, don’t whine.
3. Love, don’t hit.
4. Walk, don’t run in the house.
5. Call if you’ll be later than the curfew agreed upon.

As a family, commit to make a real effort to obey your family rules and to have good attitudes when you deal with consequences. Parents, try your best to be loving, firm and consistent as you teach your children to obey the rules.

Paula Fellingham is an internationally-acclaimed speaker, the author of 5 books, and the mother of 7 children. She has spoken at the United Nations and at conferences across the globe for over 30 years. Paula is a former radio talk show host and newspaper columnist. She is currently the CEO of The Women’s Information Network, www.TheWINonline.com. Paula’s mission is to strengthen women and families worldwide.