How to Resolve Conflicts with Teenagers
By Paula Fellingham

At the conclusion of my parenting seminars parents often ask questions about their personal parenting challenges. Here’s one I received recently:

CHALLENGE
Thirteen year old Janet came in from school with a long tale of what went wrong that day. Mom was exhausted from being up most of the night with Janet’s sick brother, and Mom had also put in her regular part-time day working at the hospital. Additionally, she was in a bad mood because of problems at work. Mom didn’t want to listen to Janet go on and on. In exasperation Mom said, “Janet, give it a rest. Your problems are so insignificant, you have no idea how much I don’t care.” Janet stared at her in disbelief, then ran to her room, crying.
Immediately Mom knew she had blown it, and she felt like a lousy Mom. But she just didn’t have it in her to go after Janet and apologize. What’s the solution?

SOLUTION
Time is a magical healer. My guess is that after Mom has had awhile to think about it, she’ll be able to go to Janet. When she does, I would suggest that she quickly apologize, and then talk to her daughter about looking through windows instead mirrors. This is how I would say it:
“Honey, I love you with all of my heart. I’m very sorry for what I said in the kitchen. There is no excuse for my behavior, and I want you to know that I shouldn’t have acted that way. I want to talk to you for just a moment about mirrors and windows. Is that OK?
I understand, because I was a teenager once, that it’s hard for you to see much more than your world. Even what I might consider a little thing IS very important to you. I remember what it was like to be 13. But try to look around and see other people’s lives....their challenges....and their frustrations, too. When you look in a mirror, what do you see? Yourself. Only you. When you look through windows, you see beyond yourself...to others. You see their concerns and their desires....and maybe you’ll want to help them.
A little while ago I was hoping you’d notice that I’m hurting, too. As you know, your brother Mark has the measles, and I was up with him most of the night. I’m worried about him....and I’m so tired. Then you know Pam, my friend at work? She couldn’t come in today, and I agreed to do her jobs at the hospital in addition to mine. I guess when you walked through the door complaining, I just couldn’t carry anybody else’s load.”
At this point, any caring daughter would accept her mom’s apology. And the moment will be remembered as a sweet one....of sharing heart-felt feelings. And, hopefully, there will be times that daughter Janet will quietly contemplate mirrors and windows.

Paula Fellingham, an internationally-acclaimed speaker, the author of 5 books, and the mother of 7 children, has spoken at the United Nations and at conferences across the globe. Paula is a former radio talk show host and newspaper columnist. Paula is currently the CEO of The Women’s Information Network, www.TheWINonline.com. Her mission is to strengthen women and families worldwide.