By Ilene L. Dillon, M.S.W.©
 
In my twenties, I decided one day to tell my father that I appreciated him being my father and working hard to raise me.  He responded:  “I did what I could.  I gave you a roof over your head and put food in your belly.”
For my father’s generation, that was what raising children was all about.  It was difficult enough to put a roof over the family’s head and food on the table.  There was no time (or interest) in emotions.  My father also used to slap me until I stopped crying, after he had disciplined me.  Not only did we not pay attention to emotions, we saw them as unnecessary, embarrassing and useless things that were a sign of true weakness, things a small child could totally put aside in fear of punishment for their appearance. It is no wonder that I became a psychotherapist, focusing my entire life on emotions and their role in human life (mine and others). 
Times are definitely changing!  More and more parents are realizing the importance of human emotions, and have been working (sometimes too hard!) to take their children’s emotions into consideration as they conduct the business of “family.”  For many observers, the pendulum has now swung too far the other way, leaving us to contend with self-centered children who demonstrate little empathy, who now no longer consider the emotions of the very people who considered theirs!
I am sure that parents everywhere want to do the best job they can to raise their children in ways that result in a long, happy, healthy and balanced life for them.  I am sure they want to teach their children everything about emotions that they can, so that emotions (especially the ones we call “negative”) don’t run their lives and get them into difficulties.  If only they knew how to do that themselves!
It’s Time for New Understanding and Action
We’re in a difficult time of transition.  Parents are attempting to teach their children how to work effectively with emotions, when they were not taught how to do that in their own lives!  Yet for most, emotions remain a powerful mystery, frequently getting “out of control” or dominating their relationships in ways they don’t want.  Even those who have enrolled in “anger management” courses or read books about fear remain a bit confused about how emotions, in general, fit together. 
Even the field of psychology and therapy does not bring much relief.  A study my office conducted of nearly 37 schools and colleges in the state of California that prepare professional Marriage and Family Therapists and Social Workers found that not one of them offered (or had previously offered) a stand-alone course on anger!  This means that for years, the therapists charged with the job of helping the rest of us deal with out-of-control or overwhelming anger received no specific training or agreed-upon approach for doing so!  Amazingly, the way we prepared (and still prepare) our therapists to know about anger is to talk about it as it is related to other issues, such as domestic violence, and to learn about it in the process of their own personal psychotherapy (which is not always required of such students).  In short, nobody really has had a unified theory of what emotions are all about, or how to work with them.
That’s one of the reasons Life Coach Deki Fox and I are hosting Building Conscious Families.  We have both raised children to adulthood, make big changes in ourselves (we think to the better), and are eager to share what we’ve discovered.

I’ve worked and trained as a psychotherapist for close to 40 years.  Most psychotherapists are drawn to work in this field because of psychological or emotional pain they experienced in their own early life.  We joke that many psychotherapists are more “messed up” than their clients.  Often, this is true.  What is not mentioned, however, is that psychotherapists are busy working to heal themselves so they get “un-messed up”; while a large majority of the rest of the populace is just hanging on, hoping to get through life without having to look at the messy area of emotions.  I have long thought of myself as a “Recovering Angry Person.”  Lately, I am thinking I may have achieved “Recovered Angry Person” status!  As I worked to heal myself, I have learned a tremendous amount about emotions.  I have also had the privilege of being able to teach and coach others in working with their emotions, as a professional speaker, privately-practicing psychotherapist, continuing education instructor, coach, parent educator and as a married, single, birth, step, adoptive and grand mother!
The information I have learned does exist as a comprehensive system.  It explains to us why we have emotions, what the various emotions do for us, how to experience and work with them, how to learn from them, and how (and why) to release them (harmlessly, not onto other people).  I am confident that when you understand and experience this system yourself, you will be eager to share it with your children, so they can lead balanced lives in which they are masters of their emotions, rather than their slave.  Now there is information available that is easy to understand, based on principle, laboratory tested (though not always officially “researched”) and with clear techniques for working with emotions that has the potential of leading us all out of the emotional morass in which we have lived for many generations. 
Let’s not wait another minute.  Here’s what you need to know in order to work with each of the emotions discussed in this book.

What Are Emotions?
Emotions are energy; each individual emotion is a form that energy takes.  Think of emotions as “E-motions,” that is “energy in motion.” 
Most people think emotions are mysterious and come upon us without rhyme or reason.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Since anger is energy, it behaves the way energy does.  Emotions are understandable and predictable and workable when viewed through the eyes of physics.  Emotions obey the laws of energy, just like other forms of energy such as electricity or wind.
To understand this concept better, envision in your mind that you are sitting next to the ocean, watching the water.  What do you see the ocean water do?  It moves, constantly. Every time it moves, something about it changes.  It interacts with other forces of nature, such as the wind.  If there is a void in its path (like a hole in a seaside rock formation), water fills it. It can be very powerful.  If not stirred by other factors, it can be very calm.  It can support bodies on its surface; it can also bury them by its own weight.  When there is a storm or other disturbance, it may move violently.  When contained, either naturally (as in a riverbed) or synthetically (as behind a dam), water can flood, destroying, killing and reconstructing surrounding terrain.  It is pervasive.  We cannot get rid of water; it is part of our earth experience.  To many, water symbolizes emotion.  When we consider that water covers so much of our planet and its flow is so important to all life, we get an idea of how much of us emotions cover, and how important emotional flow is to our lives.
Emotions Follow the Principles Governing Energy
All these things, emotions also do.  Lets look at some of these more closely. 
1.  Energy tends to move
Like the ocean water, energy constantly seeks “opportunities” to move.  The energy of  emotion moves constantly.  Moving energy can be directed, changed and worked with. We channel streams, rivers and bodies of water (though we don't have the technology to channel the entire ocean!).  We can also channel active emotion.  We can direct anger at a pillow instead of a person, use the energy of love to do wonderful things for others, and use the power of guilt to cause others (or ourselves) to alter their behavior.  
2.    We cannot “get rid of” emotions
We cannot “get rid of water” because it belongs here on the earth.  All we can do is work with it, placing it under our direction as much as is humanly possible, or else channeling it so that it is primarily beneficial instead of destructive.
We cannot “get rid of emotions” because they belong with us as human beings, as creatures in form (other animals also show emotional reactions, as is so amply documented in Dr. Jeffrey Masson’s books, including When Elephants Weep.)  The best we can do is work with emotions, placing them under our direction as much as is humanly possible, or else channeling them so that emotions are primarily beneficial instead of destructive. It is vital that we keep emotional energy moving, because then it can be worked with, learned from, heeded and transformed.

3.  Energy tends to follow pathways or conduits
Electrical energy follows wires, water flows in stream or river beds, sound energy travels in waves of varying frequency.  A human being is a conduit for emotional energy; we "contain" emotional energy much like a riverbed contains river water. 
Based on our beliefs (long-held thoughts or pictures of “how things are”), emotional energy tends to travel the same pathways over and over again, unless we make changes.  We get angry over the same things, feel loved through certain actions, or get jealous about the same types of behavior from others, over and over again.  We can tell that emotion occurs along pathways, because different people get angry over different things, feel loved by different behaviors from others, or get jealous in different situations.  But, for each of us, our emotional reaction follows a pathway, just like energy, albeit a different pathway, often, depending on our closely-held beliefs based on our childhood learning. 
When river water flows over its bed, under normal circumstances, it does little damage and makes minimal impact. Similarly, when we allow emotions to pass through us and move on, they are experiences of the moment, do little harm, and just "are." Strong for the moment they are passing by, they exert little influence once they have passed. With the river, only massive amounts of water, or water bursting from behind a dam, creates damage to the river’s bed.  Similarly, only when we dam up our emotions and hold onto them over time, do they become "negative," harmful or violent.  That is when they can do real damage to us, even kill us.  Humans need to learn to let emotions move through as freely as possible, making certain that they do not build up or develop unnatural strength or force. We also want to take care that we do not dump them onto others!
4.    When energy finds a void in its path, it fills it
We take advantage of this principle whenever we place a dam across the outlet of a valley, allowing water to build up and form a lake.   Not all our examples are occurrences we desire, such as when matter disappears into Black Holes, and twisters hungrily suck up items from the ground wherever they touch down.  Some occurrences are beneficial, as when cold water sinks below warm water (which is rising and forms a void), creating “upwelling” in our oceans that is vital for stirring nutrients and making sure all the creatures are nourished. 
Emotional energy is activated through our experience.  If we have not developed character (the ability to live according to one’s ideals and principles), our emotions will find the “holes” in us and fill them.  Hence, for example, I used to get angry about almost everything, as anger filled the “holes” of having been hurt and abused.  As I healed myself and the “holes” got filled, it led me to laugh and enjoy the very things that used to lead me to anger.
5.  Energy can be stored, but is always looking for a way to discharge
In physics, the Leyden Jar (a container lined with foil with a metal conductive central core with a ball on top) can be used as a container for static electricity.  With this setup, the static electricity will stay inside and build up inside the jar.  When you bring a conductor close to the ball on top, the energy inside the jar will discharge. 

Similarly, emotions (particularly highly volatile emotions such as anger) can be stored in humans.  Like the jar, we hold the emotion inside until a “conductor” (someone who upsets us—like our child--or reminds us of past emotional situations) appears in our lives, whereupon we release it.  Most people say the other person (the “conductor”) has “caused” our emotional reaction.  In fact, we’ve been storing the emotion in our “jar” so it is ready to  discharge as soon as the “conductor” appears and does his or her part.
6.  When contained over time, energy can flood, with negative environmental impact     
Blocked energy tends to build up.  For example, anger held over a lifetime can become bitterness, depression, and cancerous.  If it is ever given an opportunity to escape the walls a person has constructed around it, long-held anger can be very explosive and destructive to us, our relationships or our health.  This can occur when we least expect it, leaving us to surmise that our emotion “just happened”.  The energy of love can also build up, displaying itself even in situations where we don’t want it to show.  If we don’t understand emotions as energy, we have only the explanation that we “lost control” or “couldn’t help myself.”  
When water is contained, it builds up weight and pressure as it piles up on itself.  The same is true for emotions—held in emotions grow in power. We call emotions that have been held inside and then explode or erupt destructively “negative emotions.” No emotion is inherently “negative,” they become “negative” because we hold onto them and pile them up!  As you learn the system for working with emotions, you’ll be able to teach your children to live with very few “negative emotions”!
7.  When energy moves, it can change form
An electric current is a flow of electrons.  If you run a flow of electrons through a highly efficient conductor, such as a copper wire, the current will pass through unimpeded and unchanged.  If, on the other hand, you use a pathway that increases the resistance to the flow of electrons (such as a coil), as the electrons go through, the resistance will cause a buildup of heat and will change the electrical energy into heat energy.  The coil will give off heat.  This is the principle of an electrical heater.  The key to creating the change in form (electricity to heat) is resistance.  [“Resistance” occurs with DC—direct current.  With AC –alternating current—this same phenomenon is called “impedence.”]

 We humans have a choice about the type of “resistance” we apply to our flow of emotional energy.  We cannot stop emotions from occurring; but we can decide what kind of “impediments” we make them pass through; and we can change the number of impediments our emotions must encounter.  Emotions that must force their way through layers of physical and mental resistance will build up “heat” and be violent when they at last reach the surface. Even love can transmute to something that hurts if we offer it lots of resistance!  The energy of anger can transform into sarcasm, violence, domestic abuse and other forms of “heated” expressions. 
We can also choose to give emotions “free passage,” allowing them to flow through an unrestricted channel (but not necessarily dumping out onto anyone else).  In this case our emotion can pass through unimpeded, free then to be released or to be transformed into another form of energy.  When anger is allowed such “free passage” inside of us, it usually transforms into enthusiasm.  Love given similar “free passage” translates into caring action and giving.
8.  Though powerful, not stirred by inner or outer forces, emotions can appear calm
One of the things most puzzling to people is how their emotions can “disappear” and then suddenly “show up” again.  Like energy, emotions can lie dormant until something passes by that disturbs or dislodges them.  That’s what our experiences do for us.     Sometimes it takes a lot to stir a person’s emotions.  Luckily, this is not so with our young children.  And, thanks to them, our own emotions get “disturbed” frequently, too!
Having emotions “stirred” gives us opportunity to see ourselves, learn and grow.  
 
Because we know so little about emotions, we often are lulled into believing that if emotions are not evident, they are gone.  With any emotion that has not been processed and released, this is the polar opposite of the truth.  Emotions do not disappear.  They are part of us.  And unless we teach our children to consciously let them go, once they have benefitted from them, emotions can linger, build up inside and create problems later. 
 9.  Energy cannot be ignored or destroyed; it can only be channeled and worked with
Energy does not have "value"  it is not "good" or "bad." Energy just "is." Energy which is not channeled in some way can get out of hand and become enormously destructive, as a tornado, typhoon, hurricane, overflowing river or earthquake (all forms of energy which appear unpredictably or episodically so that we cannot build channels into which they can flow) can destroy.
Emotions are energy.  They do not, in themselves, have “value”—emotions are not “good” or “bad,” positive or negative.  Emotions just “are.” As energy, emotions cannot be ignored or destroyed. They can be channeled and worked with.  Because they are constantly moving, if emotions are not channeled in some way, they can leak out, get out of hand or even become enormously destructive. 

10.  Energy can be transformed; it can be harnessed to do work
Running electricity through a set of coils can cause it to “transform” into motion as it pushes an electrical motor.  If you run electricity through a coil without connecting it to anything, it just dissipates into the atmosphere.  A flammable object placed next to a coil through which electricity is running can create a fire.  But if you take the heated coil and put a reflector behind it, it will reflect the heat of the coil outwards and can heat a room.  Putting the energy of electricity to work can create benefit. 
If you run emotion through your system and give it no place to go, your own system can “heat up.”  If you direct, “manage” or master your emotions, you can put yourself into motion in constructive ways.  If you are not “connected” to anything in your life that will channel your emotional energy positively, you can create “fires” in your life.  If you put your “heated up” self next to someone else who is also “heated up,” you both can ignite.

Currently, most people on earth have very little command of their emotions.  We are like a world of emotional two years olds, with guns and weapons of mass destruction at our disposal. We have the capacity to allow our emotions to pass through us, “reflect” and teach us, so we can put this enormous energy to work for ourselves and “warm up” our whole life.  Emotion offers us its signal, push for action or lessons.  We can choose to  translate and use our emotional energy for total benefit for ourselves and those around us.

As we air Building Conscious Families and Taking My Turn, Deki Fox and I will be sharing what we have learned about the mastery of emotions, so you can benefit by using this information in your family and in every aspect of your own conscious, powerful life.

©  Ilene L. Dillon, M.S.W.
     July 2009, El Sobrante, California