To be honest with you, I wanted to give up, hang up over 10 years of work toward this crazy dream. After all, who's to say achieving it would make me happy or bring me any real joy anyway? Joy's to be found in journey, not in the destination -- right? Yet, I've been saying it for so long I'd begun to believe it - that if it took until I'm 80, one day I'll be a NY Times Best Selling author. Then, just when I felt like I'd practiced enough, polished enough to have the guts to "go for it," a critical review followed by an editor's professional feedback convinced me otherwise.

Indeed, I still have a ways to go. It isn't that I don't think I can do what the editor suggests. It isn't even that I don't enjoy learning something new. The question is, is it worth the work? Is it worth my time for a dream that may or may not happen? Is it worth the hassle to polish a story that may never get published? Is this dream even important in the grand scheme of things? What if it's not all it's cracked up to be?

If I gave up this nonsense of writing fiction, I could spend more time with my family, or invest the effort into my business pursuits that have always been more productive and profitable. Why waste hours and years polishing a talent that may never amount to anything significant? There was that word that's prodded me onward for years -- talent. Even the critic and the editor said I had it. What about that talent? Will I be held accountable for wasting it as the unprofitable servant in Christ's parable? I haven't exactly wasted it, after all. I could honestly say I've doubled it, but I haven't made it all it could be either.

Since receiving the critical review a week or so ago, I've been praying for direction. Where would my Heavenly Father want me to go with my writing? Am I using it the way He wants me to? Or should I shift directions?

This morning started with a prayer... "what do You want me to do? Is this ever going to amount to anything? Is it a waste of my time to pursue such a dream? Couldn't You just tell me if it's not going to work out so I can stop wasting my time?" The more I thought about it, the more my head hurt, and the more my stomach wrenched tighter. I looked out my office window. I should just let the dream die like the autumn leaves losing their battle against the breeze. Their death scene enacted against the backdrop of a cloudless blue sky beckoned me. I put on my boots and went out to take care of the goats. A walk would clear my head.

I stood in the goat pen, letting my eyes enjoy the morning while Wilma, Hannah and Dani fought over the feed. Then as if whispered on the wind, the answer came, "Neglect not the gift that is in thee" [1 Timothy 4:14 ] I looked around. There it was again, "Neglect not the gift that is in thee." With a confident warming assurance the explanation followed: "It doesn't matter if you ever reach the dream's destination. The point is to give back to the Lord His own with interest... to do everything you can with what He gave you. It will be work. It's going to hurt, and it's going to be humbling, but in the end, you'll have a polished treasure and the Lord's approval [Matthew 25]."

Are you like me? Do you doubt your dreams are worth it? I've decided that when you're pushed to the wall, when you feel like giving up on your dream because it seems too much effort for possibly too little return, press on anyway. Forge ahead into the dark night. This is your time to learn, to refine your talents like a rare gem. Trudge through the polishing tumblers until at last you come forth, satiny smooth, shining as a brilliant treasure in dawn's morning rays."