Family healing can take surprising turns.  Just when you think you are doing something positive for your child, it can backfire. 

“Wow! You have done a good job cleaning up this mess,” exclaimed Gary’s father, John.  “You really are getting to be good at cleaning!  I’m proud of you, Gary.”

Gary responded:  “Stop it, Dad! Don’t say such mean things to me.”

Kate, a family friend, drove Amy to preschool.  Amy, in a beautiful blue frock, ruffled and lacy, had her blond hair carefully combed.  Kate offered this compliment as she buckled Amy into her car seat: “Amy, you look beautiful today.  Your dress is really pretty and your hair is, too!  I like looking at you.” 

Amy responded, with a deep frown: “Stop talkin’ to me like that!”

Adults often wonder why they have difficulty receiving compliments.  The roots for this are most often found in childhood.  What is it about these compliments that is difficult for Gary or for Amy?  Certainly they seem thoughtful and heartfelt.  Though a child may have a personal problem which prevents the acceptance of positive feedback, in cases such as these, compliments made to children can still be difficult for them to receive.

A Parents’ Job

Parents are assistants.  Their job is to assist a child to grow and develop in such a way that the child is enabled to go forward into a satisfying and productive adult life.

“Assisting” is a fine art, as any self-respecting English butler can attest.  While called upon to be present, to offer opinions, to make decisions and to set personal limits, the “assistant” must also be able to fade into the background, be unassuming, and arrange things so that those assisted feel both powerful and good.

Giving a compliment is part of this “art.”  A satisfactory compliment must be: 1) heartfelt and sincere; 2) personal; 3) specific; 4) freely given; and 5) non-manipulative. Sometimes, it is also best not delivered directly!

What Is a Compliment?

Compliments, like criticisms, are stated opinions of the person offering the compliment.  Compliments do not necessarily reflect reality or agree with the receiver’s perception.  They are a vehicle for passing positive energy between and among people.

Kate’s compliment, “You look beautiful…” is her judgment of Amy’s appearance.  What she is really saying is: “You look beautiful to me.”  Without stating that clearly, however, she may be putting Amy in a difficult position.  If, for example, Amy has been forced to wear a blue dress she hates, looking “beautiful” in it will not feel good to her.  Similarly, if Amy is angry and experiences her feelings as “ugly,” this compliment will place her in a quandary.  As a small child, she may also find the energy Kate sends her way on the wings of the compliment just too direct or intense.

Gary, on the other hand, is a sensitive child whose sense of mastery and capability is much greater than that possible for his little body.  His father’s stated judgment that he is “good at cleaning” feels like a put-down to him.  Unless the compliment is framed as John’s clear opinion, Gary will reject his positive input, and negate his fathering efforts.

Compliments are also often used to manipulate children into doing things adults want.  Knowing there is a price to pay for positive feedback automatically creates resistance.  Messages such as “You did that well, so next time I will expect even better,” or “You are a good hugger, so I expect you to hug me now,” will be rebuffed, if at all possible (and rightly so!). 

Compliments That Work

John says to Gary: “Wow, I am impressed with the way you have cleaned up this mess!  I see that you put all the toys away, cleared off the desk, and took your laundry to be washed.  I really feel happy.  I like the way you have cleaned up here.”  John talks of his feeling, relating his personal reaction to Gary’s behavior.  He is specific about what he likes and does not trap Gary manipulatively.  Even though he is interested in reinforcing Gary’s cleaning behavior for future performance, this heartfelt and specific compliment is unburdened with expectation and easy for Gary to let in. 

Kate delivers this feedback: “I love the way you look today, Amy.  I like the way your hair looks next to that color blue.  Looking at you, I feel good.”

No matter what your position or body size, this kind of compliment feels good and is easy to accept.  The adult is talking about his or her own feelings, taking responsibility for those feelings, and specifically lists what it is that the adult is enjoying regarding Gary or Amy.  Be careful with your compliments, so your children can easily learn to receive and enjoy them.  In this way you can build self-esteem and loving family relationships!

©  Ilene Dillon, M.S.W., El Sobrante, California, March 2010