The following is how I see mybody working as a tool and what I am grateful for: Read more ...

 Please protect me from this devil, named and Eating Disorder. I want to be protected- I wan tot be saved from it. I feel so raw-so fragile-so scaared. I feel alone-I feel like I have no armor against this scary energy.

It is s strong and powerful. The only One who can up against it it YOU! I am not strong enough to comba. Please help me build a protection against this scary, foreceful, strong , maniputlative, and addciting energy.

Please help me not listen to the voices. Please help me shut out the loud and negative chattter that invades my thoughts. Please protect me against its strong powerful clutches that strangle me. Please help me fight for my healht. Please help me believe I deserve food inside. Please help me live the life that pleases YOU. Please help me be avavialble for my son. Please help me be a role model for my son. Please help me be loveable to my husband and to love him back.

Please embrace me;keep me safe, love me just the way I am, guide me and protect me from all the loud noices.

Gods response: I will protect you! You are my child. I am here for you at all times, I will never leave your side. You are not alone. You are safe from all things, for I am here and I am the Almighty. Read more ...

I have had you in my life for almost 27 years. We know each other quite well, don't we? I believe you helped me survive my teen years. I could not handle living in my world-my family, my home life, my school or my friends. You helped me by soothing my pain-I was able to numb our from my chaotic world.

I am unsure when the control switched all over to you-or were you always in control? In the beginning, it seemed that I felt in control of what I ate, what I kept in and my weight. But, as of of today, I feel like I hold no control.

Everyday is dedicated to you, You are on my mind as soon as I awake and when I go to sleep. I try to think of other things, but I am unable. I try to dedicate my life to my family, friends, God or art and am unable. It seems like I try to pry away from you-I try to seperate and you will not allow it. Your presence overpowers my entire being. I am unable to hear my own thoughts, I am unable to see clearly or move about in a balanced way. I am always being tugged away from whatever  I am doing-to be with you. Read more ...

 I see my days being filled with activities that contribute to the world. No longer consumed with what I will or not eat. No longer worried of how much did I eat and how can I get it out. Rather, I will live in the moment! I will be mindful of my thoughts, actions and surroundings. I will be in the present; I will notice that I am breathing, that I am following my life's purpose, that I am helping another person, that I am following what God has planned for me, that I am of worth to this physical world.

I want to rebuild the way I think, see and speak. I want to rebuild how I act in my day. I want each minute to be meaningful, for time is priceless. You can never go back, you can never experience the past the way you did the first time. You cannot stop time, it happens whether we are fully present or not. Recovery is feeling the feeling in the moment, knowing that it is present for a reason and to accept as just a feeling.

Recovery is living, rather than just existing. Thriving, rather than just surviving.

Recovery is being of service to others.

Recovery is living in love.

Recovery is living in life.

 For the last two days, I had to "grin and bear" uncomfortable feelings. As you may know, I deal with an Eating Disorder and am attending an intensive outpatient program. I have been in the program for almost six weeks and the professionals are looking for more progress. I had to sign a contract that included gaining weight, ahhhh that is my worst fear! So, in order to attend the classes during the day, I have to meet the requirements on the contract. So, on Tuesday I was sent home because I did not meet the goal! WOW, I felt failure, unworthiness,any other negative feelings or thoughts you can think of. But, than I spoke with my husband and he gave me a sense that it was just an obstacle and I needed to just keep going forward. I needed to see that it was a goal and it could be achieved. So, for two days I ate what was on my meal plan, abstained from any ED behaviors and taadaaa, I was allowed to stay in the program today. It was so empowering to know that I could withstand significant more amounts of food inside of me and live to tell the tale! I was on a mission to continue and not give up...pushing through the uncomfortable feelings paid off! One day at a time! I have to keep focused and committed to recovery. I will be evaluated again on Tues. but I am determined to reach my goal!