Call me CrAzY -

If I were to ask you to raise your hand if you thought you were crazy, would you?

"There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter."

There was actually a point in time when I thought I wanted to be sane. A point in time that lasted over 30 years :) and not only would I have NEVER raised my hand to that question but, I probably would have slunk down into my seat hoping to conform into the shape of my chair.

My heart was hurt over and again by the rejection that I consistently felt growing up. Looking back now a reasonable justification for this was partly due to the size of town that a portion of my up-bringing occurred in... population was about 500 and we didn't even have a stop-light.  I'm not certain due to a lack of experience - yet, I would anticipate larger towns naturally and easily accepted people in general due to more diversity.

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)

I wasn't positive about this either but, had a pretty good idea my home life wasn't like the 'average'. Then there was recess. Ahhhhh.... an abundance of confirmation that I wasn't like the other kids. Classmates continual affirmations telling me "your weird." -Actually saying it in the long drawn out version as they tried to figure me out, ended up sounding something more like "Youuuuuurrrr Weirrrrrrrrrrrrd."  Or, the fact that my teachers whispers of  "we don't know what's wrong with her" were obviously heard and I was sent.... yet another time..... into 'special education'  to be tested for anything identifiable as adults sought a 'label' that categorized me into a box that people could then identify with. Future years brought more and more confirmation that I was different..... and more and more desire to be included.

Truth be told, it hurt my feelings because I knew I was weird. I was different. I didn't understand even how to fit in and I wanted to fit in more than anything! . I spent a good portion of my life wasting a great amount of space and energy in an attempt to 'prove I was 'normal'. I didn't want to be weird. I wanted to have friends and for people to like me. I wanted to be invited to birthday parties and the first picked for the 'team'. I wanted to be asked to prom by the guy with the hottest... 'truck' (LOL - and true ) and I wanted to walk down the streets with a smile on my face, my head held high, laughing and saying "hi" to everyone that liked me :)

Reality was I walked with my eyes looking at the pavement hoping no-one would notice me and the whispers wouldn't be heard as I walked by.... and the spit-wodds would miss my back...... all confirming I wasn't liked or accepted resulting in a spark for the conductor to start the questioning choir of my self doubts, worth, and value. I was desperate for approval. And even more desperate to have one person say to me "You're OK... Just as you are."  

It took me almost my entire life to receive that kind-of approval and acceptance. To receive that kind-of permission to be who I am and to be proud of who I am. I hold my head high.... and I walk with confidence. I share this experience openly. I have many friends.... and no-longer hear the whispers that began outside of my head and later played like a choir in it. Most importantly -I'm not desperate and I'm not afraid anymore. All because I finally came to terms with the fact that I am OK.... Just as I am and I am totally crazy. WHEW! I said IT. I AM TOTALLY CRAZY. From what I've gathered in life -Sanity is not one that brings happiness. 

Having the pressure taken off to prove I was normal is SO LIBERATING. MMMMM.... Can you feel my breath as I inhale and exhale freedom to be myself with total self acceptance and approval. I am crazy. I am insane. and I'm OK... Just as I am. Now..... I raise both hands and stand up.

"Have I gone mad?" ..... "I'm afraid so. You're completely bonkers. But, let me tell you a secret.... all the best people are"

We are all crazy.  We are all sane.

and I ask again.... Would you raise your hand?