My family is a nontraditional blended family, but then again aren't they all. My two girls are adopted, and we are in the process of adopting 3 more children. All of our children have been adopted as toddlers, so creating traditions within our new family has been a huge part of making the holidays our own. Some of the traditions that we do are ones that our children came with, with a little twist of their new family added into it, and others are traditions that we have chosen to do as a family. Keeping the children's pasts and their futures in all of our family tradtions has made the Holiday's a time that we not only look forward to, but a time of great bonding. How are you guys handling your bleneded families this Holiday season, will you be celebrating the holidays on nontraditonal dates so that everyone can be home or will you be waiting to hold off on certain tradtions until later in the day when everyone can be together?
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Separated Family
I would love to hear thoughts on making things work well for a family who is experiencing being apart because of divorce for the first year. Grown children, grandchildren, college children and some still at home ... and lots of emotions. Thanks!
blended families
In your case, as in all blended families, one of the first things to remember is to have realistic expectations. The holidays are naturally stressful times, and the desire to make things just perfect for everyone sets you up for frustration and disappointment.
Second, absolutely positively be flexible! I liked an earlier comment regarding flexibility of the dates of celebration. Really, it does not matter exactly when you celebrate because you cannot be in several homes at once (as some families have to do). Also, in many blended families, you have to work around child visitation schedules when parents are divorced. So make up your mind to flex, not personalize, when some celebrations are not exactly at "the right time." After all, the right time is not nearly as important as the right attitudes, the right relationships, and the right spirit.
Hope this helps!
Dr. Bev Smallwood
Psychologist; Speaker, Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me
Host: The Magnetic Workplaces Show and Hope on the Home Front Show
www.DrBevSmallwood.com
Blended families
Great question. Sounds like you have already put a lot of thought into this. Being the mom in a blended family of four children, we have had to carve out our own traditions. We did not have a magic lantern to rub or a map to follow when I embarked on this journey years ago. One valuable thing I learned along the way is to give thanks. My first mother-in-law always used to welcome us with every visit by saying, "I am so glad you are here," and my father would always end every visit with, "I am so glad you came." From experience I can tell you that celebrating Christmas is not about the 25th of December as much as it is about celebrating the gift of love and the time we offer to share it. We simply cannot be in five places at once. Remember 12 days of Christmas? There is reference to 12 days of Christmas in cultures and in song. Perhaps one day to celebrate Christmas was never enough. If you gave yourself 12 days of Christmas, how would you spend each one? Donna Dahl, Host of The Tenacious Marketer Show
Blended Families
Every year, my husband and I are human ping pong balls, going back and forth to our four sets of parents homes. We have 4 or 5 Christmas events and usually around 4 Thanksgivings.
This year, we're going to make our lives easier by only having one Thanksgiving (I'm cooking, yikes!) hosted at our home and anyone that wants to come can come. I have a tendency to try to go to every house that I've been invited to on Thanksgiving because I feel guilty if I don't. This year it's going to be about love and family and not about guilt!
Christmas is more difficult, but we're going to try to spread it out over a few days instead of trying to cram it all into two days. I'm certain this will bring the stress down.
Blended Families Holidays
Yikes, Erin! No wonder you were asking.
Thought I'd write to tell you I don't "do guilt," and have not for the past 15 or so years!
Here's why! I learned that guilt is a form of anger. Defined as anger that we don't think we have a right to have, it usually results from being in a lose-lose situation. For example, if you don't go to a parental home, they may be upset with you. On the other hand, if you do go to the parental home, you may have to give up relaxation and the pleasure of a low-key enjoyment of your children. No matter what you choose, you lose! (The way to deal with the guilt is to identify the anger and work with the anger. Guilt is impossible to deal with--all you can do is drop it! And dropping it is not at all easy.)
I also learned that guilt is a "synthetic" emotion. A real emotion has both a positive and a negative aspect. Like love has the positive aspect with which we're familiar. The negative aspect is that sometimes someone can profess to love you and it feels smothering or negative. Well, guilt is "synthetic"--meaning it has only one aspect, the negative! It turns out that guilt doesn't do ANYBODY any good, keeps us focused on the past, and can even make us sick or kill us! So, I asked myself, why "do guilt"?
Instead, I look at the "worst possible" thing that could happen and ask myself "Can I handle this worst possible thing?" If the answer is "yes," I go ahead and do the thing(s) that make ME feel good and don't indulge in guilt. If I even tend to think about guilt, I gently and lovingly remind myself that I'm not "doing guilt," that I made a decision and I'm willing to deal with the consequences, so I'm not going to second-guess myself OR even think about it!
I applaud you for this year's plans. My advice is to make a decision today about whether you EVER want to act on the motive of guilt again! I haven't done it for years. People don't hate me. I feel great. There's still plenty of love to go around. And I enjoy my holidays, my decisions and my life. I hope the same for you! (For Christmas, too!) Ilene
How do I Handle the Upcoming Holidays with my Blended Family
Wow, Erin, it sounds like you have already done a lot to bring your Blended Family together and to make the holidays special.
We have a three-way blended family, with all the "kids" now adults. We have always been willing to shift times and dates around so we can all be together (for example, celebrating Thanksgiving on the day after the actual holiday). It lets everyone know how important being together to celebrate holidays is to you and your husband, and it makes the people involved feel special (in that you'll shift your celebration around to make sure they are included).
Whatever you do, I'm sure you'll have a good time. Sounds like your blended family is lucky to have such a conscious and caring Mom at the helm as you appear to be.
Check out our "Building Conscious Families" program as a support to you in your efforts.
Ilene (with co-host, Deki Fox)
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